I
myself have never been “skinny.” Or at least, when I look at myself, I’ve never
felt “skinny.” I’ve struggled my whole life with the perception I have of my
own body. I remember specifically in high school comparing myself to other
girls and thinking: “I am so fat.” Now, looking back on photos of me from when
I was 15, I was tiny! But that is not how I wanted to see myself at the time.
The
perception women have of themselves can nearly always be compared to that of a
model or somebody in a magazine, or your roommate eating 3 slices of pizza and
then an entire bowl of raw cake batter (true story!) and you catch yourself
thinking: “How can she eat all that crap and still be SO thin!” But, maybe
that’s just me thinking those things.
I have had low
self-esteem my whole life and it is not something that I talk about to anybody.
Although, recently I have started talking to my boyfriend about it, and he
swears that he sees nothing wrong
with me. Recently, it really made me think, If I can’t see myself the way I want to, at least somebody is seeing
me that way.” And more importantly, it’s not just any somebody; it’s somebody whose opinion I truly value. And not to
mention, I’m nearly positive that when he says it, he means it.
The reason I am
writing this is because I truly connected with something I read online that
reminded me of my issues with my body image. In the article, a woman wakes up
everyday next to her husband and every single day without fail he rolls over
and tells her “You
are the most beautiful wife in the world!” Is she the most beautiful wife
in the world? Maybe not to you or me, but to her husband she is. The article is
brilliant, and I suggest reading it when you get the time.
At the end of the
day, everybody has a flaw that they really hate about themselves. But at the
end of the day, somebody doesn’t see that flaw, and somebody sees you as
perfect. It could be your mom, dad, boyfriend, girlfriend, anybody really. But
I know this first hand, and even though you don’t think you’re beautiful,
somebody sees what you don’t.
I can relate to feeling like I’m underneath the world’s microscope and feeling like everyone can see my flaws. God knows I've held myself back, wondering, worrying, and agonizing about what someone else might think of me. I’ve imagined the worst. Saying or doing something that others may find not appropriate and they just think less of me.
ReplyDeleteSounds crazy, I know. But we all do it to some degree or another.
Sometimes the fear of what “other people” think has sadly tainted my work, holding me back from what I really want to say. I’ve even watered my message down to make it more “appropriate.”
But none of these doomsday scenarios ever play out, and I started to notice that everyone was too focused on themselves to care about the dumb mistakes I make. When I stopped worrying about the wrong people it was very liberating.
I have always felt the same way you did! My roommates whom I've been best friends with for the past three years have always been so freakin' skinny. One of them is a gym addict and the other two have always been small but go to the gym frequently eating about the same things I do, and one could eat a cow right in front of me and she wouldn't gain a pound.
ReplyDeleteBeing surrounded by them constantly I never knew what would work for me. When I was younger even in high school the biggest size I ever reached was a 1. I know. TINY. But once I got to college, stopped gymnastics and dance and changed my entire routine I started actually gaining weight, not much, but enough to notice the change. I'm still small and definitely don't consider myself fat but I also don't consider myself happy with what I look like. I use to work out to compare myself with my roommates but I've recently learned for myself to eat what I want, work out when I want, wear what I want and as long as I'm making myself happy in doing all that then I have nothing to worry about. Pretty much, we all want what we don't have and that kind of thinking is what will make us unhappy.
I love this blog. I try to say this to my friends and to myself all the time. There will always be people who don't like your flaws, but hey, they don't have to look at you.
ReplyDeleteThen there will be other people you meet who either don't even notice your flaws or absolutely love them. Once people accept that, they can accept themselves. I think it's fair to say of majority of people have this thought cross through their mind, even daily. So it's really good that you brought it up and provided that link!